it sucks to be a teen these days

Image: 

A few months ago, my friend Jake and I were walking around Manhattan when we came upon a huge crowd of people standing and cheering behind police barricades. They were there to try to get a glimpse of a movie being shot. Now, films being shot on location happen all the time in New York without much fanfare, so the large crowd had us hoping we had stumbled upon something good. “Hey,” Jake asked the nearest girl, “What’s going on here?” The girl

looked at us like we’ve been living in a cave and said, “Robert Pattinson is filming his new movie.” her response left me with just one question: who the hell is Robert Pattinson?

Jake explained he was the lead actor in “that stupid vampire movie” and that he was currently the hot dude of the month for teenage girls. Disappointed that Ozzy Osbourne wasn’t the star that the crowd gathered for, I left.

Now, I’d been aware of the Twilight book and movie franchise. however, I had no idea how popular it truly was. The idea that a vampire movie could so strongly capture the country’s imagination confused the hell out of me. I just assumed it had assembled a small but rapidly devoted fan base, but after doing some research, I found that it was everywhere! Best selling books, #1 movies, magazine covers, school supplies – you name it, Twilight did it. I was shocked. My mind was completely blown by the Vampire Mania that had swept the country.

It’s not that I dislike vampires – I actually think they’re fucking awesome. My shock came from the fact that the vampire genre is one of the oldest premises there is. who cares about vampire movies anymore? They’ve been done to death. what could be more stale and repetitive than a vampire? Vampire of the Coast came out in 1909, and since then there have been hundreds vampire flick incarnations, from Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee portraying the classic Dracula, to Blaxplotation (Blacula), to comedy (once Bitten) to Pee wee herman (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) to musician (rockula). No stone has been left unturned by the vampire genre

I just couldn’t understand why it was so popular. OK, it’s a vampire love story, but so was Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula. OK, maybe it’s action packed, but so was Blade. wait, wait, it’s full of cool teenagers... just like The Lost Boys. Maybe it’s funny, like Vampire In Brooklyn! Actually, that movie wasn’t funny at all. Utterly confused, I was left to do the only thing I could think to solve this dilemma.

I went to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

And then it all made sense. New Moon wasn’t a vampire movie at all, but just a pretty stock love story instead. Those always sell. The acting was terrible and the dialogue was straight out of a 9th grade girl’s dream journal, so it wasn’t the screenplay that sold tickets. The characters

all appeared to be rich kids who just stepped out of hot Topic for the first time to get ready for “Vampire Night” at the country club, so it wasn’t the costuming or accuracy. The key to the success of Twilight is that the movie took the oldest, lamest plotline ever and sprinkled a cool vampire element throughout. Magically it became interesting to those who couldn’t give two shits about any of the classic vampire movies that came before it (most of America).

And why wouldn’t they love it? First you have Robert Pattinson as Edward, the dark, brooding, pasty-faced heartthrob that the girls love because he’s so fragile and vulnerable. he’s immortal and perennially 17. He’s like James Dean, but instead of living fast, dying young, and leaving a pretty corpse, he can do whatever he wants because nothing can harm him. Then there’s Bella, who has a passionate but forbidden love with Edward. She’s human, and is pretty bummed that at one point she’ll be an old woman with a 17-year-old boyfriend. Then there’s Jacob, the new guy who’s in love with Bella and convinces Edward she’s dead so he can have her all to himself. did I mention he’s a werewolf? OK, so Romeo and Juliet it ain’t, but America going insane for a crappy supernatural love story makes a lot more sense to me than teenagers losing their minds for a vampire.

New Moon offers a little something for everyone. Ladies, do you like rippling stomach muscles and/or wolves? Have I got the guy for you. do you like sheet-white shy boys who appear to be on the verge of tears at any given moment? Got you covered. Gentleman, do you like pretty girls who will devote their entire life just to being with you? Come on down. or maybe you’re a middle-aged woman who loves to snuggle up with some cookies and your many cats and love the romantic notion of being 17 forever. The vampire elements within the love story allow for overdramatic, almost ridiculous, dialogue that would never work if two normal high school students said it. It also allows for glittering skin, extrasensory perception, immortality, and all the other ridiculous plot devices in New Moon that set it apart from your average teenage drama. If you remove the supernatural elements from the movies, all you’re left with is an episode of the o.C. written by a 15-year-old who just had her heart broken for the first time. And if you take out the love story element you’re left with likely the worst vampire movie ever made. But somehow, almost inexplicably, the two dead horses came together and became a phenomenon.

Just don’t tell anyone I paid to see it.